Monday, 31 December 2012

We made it, 2013 is here

Happy New Year!!

Auld Lang Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

For auld lang syne, my jo,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowan fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary fitt,
Sin' auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne.

And there's a hand, my trusty fiere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right gude-willie-waught,
For auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

So let's talk money

I've said previously that I wanted 2013 to be the year we pay off our overdraft and credit card debt (overpaying the mortgage can wait until we have savings).

Since discovering Queen Frugal's blog back in May I have made slight adjustments. Froogs is such an inspiring role model, if I achieve half of what she has I'll be a happy woman.

I no longer have a tumble dryer, I've turned town the thermostat on the central heating and try and make do and mend. This year is the first time I've made Christmas gifts and also refrained from exchanging Birthday and Christmas presents with my OH.

Thankfully the OH is on board to help reduce our debt. On paper we should have enough money to clear our debts by January 2014 and have a small pot for a rainy day.

Tomorrow is the day I'll sit down and dissect our finances. I have an extra account there to save along with some glass jars for everyday spending. I already know that if I use cash instead of plastic the value of money is more real.

Bills will be paid, a strict budget for fuel and food will be decided, along with a budget for children's shoes, home DIY and car repairs etc. I don't go to the hair dressers, my credit card has been cut up, the new moto is 'if I don't need it, I'm not buying it'.

Before I collate all the information and formulate a plan, I know one of our biggest expenditure is on takeaways. Not because we particularly enjoy them, more out of pure laziness.
We have no excuse, I consider myself to be a good cook. I bake bread, make meals from scratch and always manage to cook something from the store cupboard. I need to utilise my skills more.

One barrier I need to overcome is the OH's need to have a cooked breakfast every day. I don't mind cooking, it's the cost. Bacon, sausage and eggs are not as cheap as they used to be. OH when on shift, functions better if his breakfast is like a kings, dinner like a prince and supper like a paupers. Hopefully to reduce our food budget he will eat a non meat breakfast on his days off.

I will batch cook and use my slow cooker more. I promise to save my left overs and have them for tomorrows lunch. I know I can do this, I just need to get organised.

Hopefully the car will only be used for necessary journeys and I will stop buying magazines and books.

Tomorrow I will post my strict yet achievable budget, but until then I'm off to drink wine and enjoy good conversation with good friends.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

Christmas Part 2

Well my family descended on me today for our Christmas meal.
My Mum, Brother, Sister in law and nephew arrived to share good food, good conversation and most importantly make good memories.

My day started by prepping the veg. I had already decided on carrot and suede mash, sprouts with bacon, braised red cabbage, honey roasted parsnips and roast potatoes.

For the meat I'd purchased a four bird roast from Aldi. I'd never had it before but friends have raved about it.

So once I'd cleaned the kitchen, prepared the veg and put the bird in the oven I treated myself to some me time.

This involved a lovely hot bubble bath and music playing in the background. I was also slightly cheeky and replied to some emails.

Time alone with the bubbles allowed my mind to drift. As mentioned in previous posts I've felt rather 'down' recently. But after lots of soul searching, reading inspiring blogs and chatting to my 'perfect stranger' I'm feeling more positive.

Everyone thoroughly enjoyed the meal, plates where cleaned and leftovers placed into containers for meals over the next few days. My brother had provided dessert in the form of apple pie and custard.

After pots of tea and lengthy conversations about Christmas past, we said our goodbyes. I probably won't see my brother again before New Year, but he's only been home a couple of hours and we've exchanged text messages.

My Mum went home with a full belly, a doggy bag with her supper and a smile.
She spent Christmas in Hampshire with my Sister, two nieces and nephew. Thankfully this trip as left her with smiles not sadness.

For the last 26 years my Mum has battled with depression. I've seen the highs and the very lows. But that is another blog.

So Christmas part 2 was a success, we survived.

Now all my celebrating is done, tomorrow I will pack away my decorations and return them to the cupboard above the stairs and prepare the house for 2013.

Friday, 28 December 2012

A breakthrough

Today there was a break in the clouds.

I made a start on simplifying my life and I feel so much better for it.

After reading several blogs, they inspired me to make the change I need. I feel liberated, confident and motivated enough to start.

There are several things that hopefully will map out themselves out. I don't need to worry just yet. So for now they can take a back burner. I must concentrate on the things I need to change now.

My kitchen (the heart of my house) is now more orderly and I instantly feel relieved. I forget how much better I feel when I can potter in there. One day I will get my dream kitchen, but for now I will settle for my little haven. I've cleaned cupboards, organised shelves, rearranged furniture. Hopefully I'll get chance to whitewash the walls to freshen it up, but for now my children's art work continues to smile back at me. The framed paintings hung on the walls or drawings pinned on the fridge, they all have a story, a memory.

The biggest challenge I faced today was letting go of a toxic friendship. I have known my friend for almost three years. I love them dearly and have sacrificed lots to make them happy. However in times of need when I have turned for help, they have been too busy. The friendship is one sided... me giving and them taking.
So today we had a heart to heart. The end result will now be a quick hello/goodbye in passing. Yes it saddens me but I need friends that give as well as take. For too long I've been there for people, which I don't mind as long as they return the favour.

Hopefully each day I will do something, big or small that will help make my life easier.

Lets be honest

Lets be honest, are we truly happy with our lives?

Well here I go, I'm not. I am thankful for my life, but I'm not truly happy.

For the past few weeks I have been slightly off key. I've continued doing what I always do, wash, cook, clean etc but I'm not happy.

I want to be honest, I'm miserable with certain aspects of my life.

My job: I am grateful I have paid employment. Thousands of people would love to have my job.
But I hate it, the job is fine and my colleagues are great, apart from my boss. I'm his PA. Several months ago he made a pass at me. I brushed it off, told him I wasn't interested. But he still makes my skin crawl. The way he looks at me, the innuendos, I want out. I don't get any job satisfaction and I know my skills would be best suited elsewhere.

My marriage: yes I love my OH. But I'm unhappy. I feel unappreciated. I know he loves me, but it's not enough. We entered a partnership. Yet it seems like all the work has been delegated to me. I know he works hard but so do I.
I'm not asking for hearts and flowers, but support would be nice.

Being a parent: it's so consuming. My girls are wonderful. They're bright, smart, courteous, kind and absolutely beautiful. But motherhood is so..... tiring. I don't really get any support from family, so childcare is a big issue. I really miss not having any real time for me. Work used to be my escapism but since the issue with my boss, I don't want to go.

My health: mainly my weight and fitness level. Until I had my daughters I was always comfortable in my skin. I was far from skinny but I was fit and healthy. I piled the pounds on with both pregnancies and never really lost it. I know there are no real excuses. Yes I don't have the time or money to join a gym. But when I do have spare time, I want to read a book, listen to music or just sleep. I know this needs to change. I need to make time for exercise. My diet needs to be evaluated too. I don't eat enough or at regular times. When I do eat I tend to grab junk.

My home: having two children, a dog and two cats it's never going to be spotless, I accept that. However there are areas that need to be sorted. Our spare room needs to be de cluttered and painted. The girls need to swap beds from their junior beds to proper single beds. My kitchen needs painting. The tiles need to be laid in the bathroom. I need a shed in my garden... The list seems endless. There is very little cost involved (apart from the shed) its time. Time I just don't seem to have.

I feel like standing in a huge field and screaming. I want to shout, scream, cry. I know I have lots to be grateful for and there are thousands who are worse off. But this is my life and I'm unhappy. I'm trying to stay positive but everything feels so consuming. I really don't know where to start.

Today was supposed to be about getting back to normal. I had planned to take the decorations down, get the washing done, clean the kitchen. Instead I'm sat here in my PJ's with no motivation.

I suppose I achieved one thing, I was honest.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

A time to remember

Today will be the last time in 2012 we will spend all day as a family. The OH returns to work tomorrow, and his next Rest Day is New Years Day.

Being a Police Officer is definitely a lifestyle choice and is a job like no other.

Spending the day snuggled on the sofa watching Disney DVDs and family classics, it's a sobering reminder that there are a number of families who won't get chance to do that this year. Not because their loved ones are on duty, but because they sadly died in service this year.

There will be one less stocking to hang and one less place to set at the dinner table.
Christmas is a time to spend with your nearest and dearest, a time to make lasting memories. Instead this year it will be a time to reflect on Christmas past.

We are never guaranteed tomorrow. Live
for today and always tell your loved ones how special they are.

Don't take each other for granted, you never know if you will get the opportunity to tell them again.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Christmas 2013

Yes, that correct next Christmas....

After a wonderful day spent with family, eating, laughing and exchanging gifts. It has made me think ahead for next year 2013.

This next few days leading up to New Year will be spent reflecting on 2012 and setting goals for 2013.

After receiving some lovely homemade gifts I promise to be more organised for next Christmas. This will involve setting up a monthly budget, shop through out the year and making as many gifts as possible.

Although I have adopted some frugal ways, 2013 will be the year we take control of our finances (pay off our credit card, increase savings).

I will get my home, mind, health and career in order too.

My home will be de cluttered room by room. I will stay organised and set up a solid routine to help keep the house clean and tidy. (The girls will also play a big part in this).
I will paint the Kitchen (new cupboards and flooring will have to wait) and organise the spare bedroom. This will also involve doing some painting.

By doing the above I know it will help my mind set. I get stressed and restless quite easy when my home is untidy.

2013 is the year I finally lose the extra lbs I've been carrying. I know I can do it. I need to ensure my health is tip top and losing some weight will aide this. I may even train for the Heaton Park 5/10k run. It's something I've always wanted to do, just so I can tick it off my bucket list.

This is the year I will also return to education. Long term I want to retrain as a nurse but I've been informed I need to complete some recent study to enable me to get onto the degree course I want.

Returning to Education will also result in changing work. I will need to find employment that is flexible and fits in with college/husbands shifts and childcare. Yes it's going to be a difficult 2013/2014 academic term, but I will do it.

I promise I will only buy things if I need them and not because I just want them.
The OH and I will have to get out of the mentality "we deserve it". Yes we probably do but priorities 1st. Get rid of our debt (eventually over pay mortgage) start saving and have holidays instead of stuff.

I can envisage this next 12 months to be tough, but it will be worth it when I sit back and reflect.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Don't know why

So Christmas Eve has arrived. The presents have been wrapped, the tree is up and decorated, cards sent and food bought. I'm all set (apart from a little housework). I should be full of festive cheer, but sadly I don't feel festive.

I'm struggling to put my finger on the reason why. I'm surrounded by my children and my husband is on leave until 27th. But yet I feel like something or someone is missing.

Some people may think I'm being selfish, I'm trying, I really am. Christmas songs are playing in the background we've made plans for tonight and yet I just feel like crawling back under the duvet and having a weep about..... Well I don't really know.

We all have roles to play, Daughter, Sister, Mother, friend. Each role involves performing specific duties. Over the festive period I'm sure I'll carry out all the duties expected. I'll cook, clean, smile and laugh etc

Sometimes I struggle to understand how I fit into all this. The real me doesn't know who she is. I feel lost and confused, I'm at a cross roads and don't know which route to take.

Im not about to do anything drastic but I do need to do something for me.

But I suppose for now, I'll go do the washing up.

Saturday, 22 December 2012

Penny for your thoughts

After spending my morning wrapping gifts for family and friends, I couldn't help but think about family and friends I am not able to spend time with over the festive period.

There are numerous reasons; they live too far away, they're working or simply they're no longer with us.

We all have people who we miss, but once they have touched our hearts they never really leave.

Something as basic as a smell or phrase can instantly take you back to a memory of them.

Hold on to those memories as they are a great cushion for old age.

Friday, 21 December 2012

The Best of British

Whilst pottering in the kitchen today I was quietly listening to Jeremy Vine on BBC Radio 2. Every year in the last hour of the last show before Christmas he dedicates the time to bringing the troops and their loved ones together. Mothers wishing their sons and daughters merry Christmas. Wives and children pledging their continual love and support.

Hearing those messages of love and hope for the year ahead, I couldn't help but shed a tear or two. Bursting with gratitude for our brave heroes.

They are the best of British doing a incredible job thousands of miles away from home, so that we can celebrate a safe and peaceful festive period.

Figures show that there are approximately 9000 troops in Afghanistan all with loved ones missing them terribly. I am so very proud of each and every one of them and I wish them all a safe and peaceful tour of duty.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Are we nearly there yet?

Well we're nearly there... I've officially finished for Christmas.
Now the fun begins, I've got friends coming over tomorrow for Christmas afternoon tea. I've still got fudge to make and presents to wrap.
I think it'll be an early one to get my jobs done.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Pleased to meet you

I often sit and think about how and when I've met various people in my life.

There are a select few that for some unknown reason the instant I met them I have known they were special and would have a lasting impact on my life.

For instance my husband; we went to school together. During our last two years in secondary school we spent every lesson together. Strangely enough we didn't get along back then. But years later when we met up again through a mutual friend I knew instantly I needed to spend more time with him. This 'more' time resulted in marriage and two wonderful daughters.

However there have been people who have entered my life (or I theirs) and we no longer speak. This is not due to a disagreement but the simple fact we've grown apart or that we're no longer needed in each others lives,we've moved on.

Approximately twelve years ago I started a new job in a new town. Within a few weeks I'd met someone who I instantly had a connection with. Over the months we became good friends, he educated my mind and musical taste, but also showed me that the life I had with my ex wasn't good for me. He made me believe I deserved better. After another ten months I finally plucked up the courage to leave my ex and my home with my clothes and a few personal belongings. once I walked I never went back.

The months passed and our relationship became more than friends. However during this time his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer. We decorated his parents house and set up a bedroom downstairs for his mum to rest, as the stairs where too difficult. After several difficult months his mums health deteriorated and she often went into the local hospice for rest bite. On a scheduled stay we had planned to go away for the weekend. The Monday before our break, the day after Father's Day, I received a phone call I never could have imagined. He rang to tell me his Dad had collapsed and had sadly died at home, the neighbour had found him slumped in the porch. I knew his mum was very poorly but his Dad seemed so fit and active.

The next few days where busy organising the funeral, informing friends, colleagues etc. while all the time his mums stay at the hospice was extended. Her health had deteriorated. We buried his Dad the following Wednesday, sadly his mum was too poorly to say her goodbyes. Two days later, eleven days after his Dad had died, his Mum gave up her battle and passed away too.

The following months where extremely difficult, I did what I could. The most important thing was that I was there.

For various reasons 14 months later we drifted apart. We didn't fall out but we didn't spend time together or ring each other as we had.

He always said I came into his life to help him get through that terrible time. That he probably wouldn't have survived himself without me. But I can say the same, he rescued me prior to that. He showed me that I deserved a good life with someone who loved and respected me.

I often sit and wonder if he's happy, how he is coping. Especially around the time of his parents anniversary. He'll always have a special place in my heart that will never be filled by anyone else.

Last week I was introduced to someone new. This came about from a spontaneous decision to send a message.

I don't know what it is, I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is the essence of something very special about this budding friendship.

I guess only time will tell.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Edible gifts

On Saturday whilst the girls are visiting their Godparents, I'll be finishing off the last few things ready for Christmas.

One of the things I enjoy doing is making a few food gifts. This year I'm making fudge and truffles. Both are really easy to make and once wrapped in pretty cellophane bags with a gold ribbon they're greatly received. Plus they taste good too.

Here is the Fudge recipe I use:

Serves: 18
397g can Carnation Condensed Milk
150ml milk
450g demerara sugar
115g butter

You will also need...
20cm square tin lined with baking parchment

Ridiculously easy!

1. Place the ingredients into a large non-stick saucepan and melt over a low heat, stirring until the sugar dissolves.

2. Bring to the boil then simmer for 10-15 minutes, stirring continuously and scraping the base of the pan. Take care while the mixture boils and during stirring as the fudge will be VERY hot! To test its ready drop a little of the mixture into a jug of ice-cold water. A soft ball of fudge should form. Or check with a sugar thermometer if you have one (approx 118°C).

3. Remove from the heat and beat the fudge until very thick and starting to set (about 10 minutes). See our tip below!

4. Pour into the prepared tin and leave to cool before cutting into squares.
Try adding nuts, fruit or chocolate chips at the end of step 2!

My homemade truffle recipe.

280g good-quality dark chocolate , 70% cocoa solids
284ml pot double cream
50g unsalted butter


Chop the chocolate and tip into a large bowl. Put the cream and butter into a saucepan and heat gently until the butter melts and the cream reaches simmering point. Remove from heat, then pour over the chocolate.
Stir the chocolate and cream together until you have a smooth mixture. Add any flavourings to the truffle mix at this stage (divide the mixture between bowls and mix in liqueurs or other flavourings, a tsp at a time, to taste. Try bourbon, Grand Marnier, coconut rum or the zest and juice of an orange), or leave plain. Cool and chill for at least 4 hrs.

To shape the truffles, dip a melon baller in hot water and scoop up balls of the mixture, then drop the truffles onto greaseproof paper. Or lightly coat your hands in flavourless oil (such as sunflower) and roll the truffles between your palms. You could also use a piping bag to pipe rounds onto greaseproof paper.

Coat your truffles immediately after shaping. Tip toppings into a bowl and gently roll the truffles until evenly coated, then chill on greaseproof paper. Try: crushed, shelled pistachio nuts; lightly toasted desiccated coconut; or roll a truffle flavoured with orange zest and juice in cocoa powder.
To coat in chocolate, line a baking tray with greaseproof paper. Melt 100g milk, dark or white chocolate for 10 truffles. Allow chocolate to cool slightly. With a fork, pick up one truffle at a time and hold over the bowl of melted chocolate. Spoon the chocolate over the truffle until well-coated. Place on the baking tray, then chill.
Store in the fridge in an airtight container for 3 days, or freeze for up to a month. Defrost in the fridge overnight.

Monday, 17 December 2012

What if

Tonight's post has been inspired by fellow blogger.

So the Mayans say the world will end in three days 21.12.2012.
If it does, have I achieved everything I wanted to? I am loved and have loved. I have two amazing daughters who continue to surprise me everyday with there beauty and light.
I have some wonderful friends, you know who you are. Who enrich my life daily.
My family who I love dearly, you are my home.

I've seen some beautiful things such as the pyramids and not so beautiful things, but yet there is so much more to see and do.

I have so much more yet to experience, so many goals to achieve. These goals can be as minor as finishing the decorating in my house (only been waiting 8 years) or as big as re training and having a career change.

I am not ready to say goodbye, for it all to end.

If I only have three days to do everything I want to do, where do I start. I don't have the energy or money to get a new kitchen. I can't hop on a plane and wander around the streets of Rome or read the entire collection of Shakespeare. But I do have time to text, email or ring those closest to me and tell them I love them.

Just in case.

Sunday, 16 December 2012


Sandy Hook Elementary School Newtown Connecticut will forever be remembered for the heinous act that took place on 14.12.2012

For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.

Charlotte Bacon, age 6

Daniel Barden, age 7

Olivia Engel, age 6

Josephine Gay, age 7

Ana M Marquez-Greene, age 6

Dylan Hockley, age 6

Madeleine F Hsu, age 6

Catherine V Hubbard, age 6

Chase Kowalski , age 7

Jesse Lewis, age 6

James Mattioli, age 6

Grace McDonnell, age 7

Emilie Parker, age 6

Jack Pinto, age 6

Noah Pozner, age 6

Caroline Previdi, age 6

Jessica Rekos, age 6

Avielle Richman, age 6

Benjamin Wheeler, age 6

Allison N Wyatt, age 6

Rachel Davino, age 29

Dawn Hochsprung, age 47

Anne Marie Murphy, age 52

Lauren Rousseau, age 30

Mary Sherlach, age 56

Victoria Soto, age 27

Forever in our hearts.

Before you go to sleep, hug you're loved one tight.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

Under the weather

After a fairly productive day, I now feel terrible.

Stuffed nose,thickly cough :0(

I'm going to bed.

Friday, 14 December 2012

So things happen for a reason

I've just woken up and was hoping I'd feel better. I'm not but I know the feeling will pass.

Things are not going as well as I planned. Firstly my list of jobs regarding getting my house sorted has grown. I am no where near getting rid of all my rubbish from the spare room.

I have a pile of washing the size of Everest and the same again for ironing.

The main reason for my mood is rejection... I didn't get the job I had applied for. The interview went well, I was quietly confident and actually really wanted the job.

Instead I'm back at stage one. Long term I want to go back to university in Sept 2014 to complete my nursing degree. Until then I was hoping to get work that reduced childcare costs and give me time to complete jobs on my house. But at 3:30pm I got the call to confirm that this wasn't to be.

I do truly believe things happen for a reason. A chance meeting etc a random phone call or new friendship. The bigger picture must mean I have to stay where I am a little longer. I know I shouldn't complain, there are 1000s that are facing unemployment and I still have a job to go to on Monday. I will pick myself up, dust myself off and tomorrow will be a new day.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Well I've done it, the decorations have been dusted off and I've strategically placed them around the front room.
Pictures have been draped with winter garlands, snow globes unwrapped, the wreath is on the front door to welcome visitors and the stockings are hanging above the fire. The plan was to get a real tree this year, but there is so much yet to do. So sadly the artificial one is out if its box, erect and waiting to be decorated.
Hopefully we'll get it done as a family on Saturday.

What is Christmas? A Christian festival celebrated by billions of people to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ.

The popular custom is to exchange gifts and cards, carolling, eat far too much and display decorations and a tree.

There are many other traditions that are unique to various countries, however it seems the significant event is a key sales period for the shops.

This year I'm doing it differently, yes my daughters will still get presents, but not as many. I am making a lot of gifts for friends and family too. Yes it is less expensive, but I think the personal touch means so much more.
We have made a promise, if we can't buy it with cash, we don't buy it at all! I refuse to get into debt this year. The girls may feel slightly disappointed that there isn't a mountain of presents to unwrap, but hopefully spending time making good memories will be remembered instead.

We didn't have much money when I was younger, fond Christmas memories where about sitting watching 'Only fools and Horses' with my patents and watching my Dad pick at the Turkey late on into the night. My mum singing and dancing in the kitchen whilst preparing the meal. It was never about the presents. In fact I can't really remember any specific Christmas presents.

So hopefully by early next week my cards will be ready to post, the tree will be decorated and presents will be hidden away for Santa to deliver on Christmas Eve.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Just saying...

In certain situations I often find myself lost for words. People that know me will probably laugh at the very thought. Although it may seem like I never shut up, the words that I want to say seem too disappear the very moment I need to say them or the courage I need ebbs away.

Once that moment passes, sometimes you never get the opportunity again. The words are lost to a memory.

I have never been a person that was interested in collecting things, however for the past ten years I have collected quotes. This may be a passing comment during a conversation, an extract from a poem or even a line from a film.  The quotes I have collected are written down in a small journal and I often go back and remind myself that a string of words can have a huge impact on someone.

Today I found another one to add to my collection. The comment was made during a conversation between two friends. They where discussing how thankful they both where for having each other in their lives.

"I didn't choose you, we found each other."

A simple, yet beautiful sentence. So after adding another to my collection, I thought I'd share some of my favourites with you.

"Life isn't a matter of milestones, but memories" - Rose Kennedy

"Boys will be boys and so will middle aged men!" - K. Hubbard

"I do not think of all the misery, but all the beauty that still remains" - Anne Frank

"Cherish all your happy moments. They make a fine cushion for old age" - Christopher Morley

"To get to a woman's heart, a man must first use his own." - Michael Dobbertin Aged 13

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadows." - Helen Keller

"You don't stop laying because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing." - Michael Pritchard

"Strangers are friends we haven't met" - Helen Steiner Rice

"Life is a canvas, throw all the paint on it you want"- Danny Kaye

"I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever" - Stephenie Meyer

"Your souls proximity with mine"

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life; it goes on"- Robert Frost

There are hundreds more that I could share with you, but for tonight I hope you enjoyed these few.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012


I often sit and think about the affect I have on people's lives, what lasting impression have I made. If I never woke up tomorrow what would people's opinions be of me?

Throughout my life there have been lots of people who have entered, stayed and left. However I can count a small few that have left their footprints on my heart.

These people in their very own way have been just what I have needed at just the right time. A parent, teacher, friend or partner, they have all changed me.

There is a very fine line between happiness and sadness. Unfortunately those closest to us are able to cross it the easiest.

No one sets out to hurt someone they love. Sometimes life just happens. People change, relationships change. No one is to blame, yet it is unfortunate that people are hurt along the way.

A heart broken by loss, never really recovers. Time is a great healer so they say. With every day, week, month or year you learn to live with the pain. For the pain is the remaining connection to your loved one. To feel nothing, would be worse.

When people fall in love, two souls are connected. The hearts language knows no boundaries.

My heart usually falls hard and fast. I love the feeling of being loved. In return I give my all to make the other person happy.

In all my relationships I try to be the best person I can be. The reliable friend with a shoulder to cry on or the partner who would do anything to make the other person happy.

If I do not wake from my slumber tomorrow, I hope people remember me with a smile on their face and joy in their heart.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Just a word


  1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
  2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic: a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end.
  3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad: Was she sorry when her brother died?
  4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
  5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful: a sorry horse.

 So much weight is put on the word ‘sorry’. People use it on a daily basis without really meaning it. ”Sorry I’m late” “Sorry I forgot to call” Yet, that one little word, when said with feeling and conviction can mean so much and change things dramatically. People tend to use the word 'sorry' with an excuse. When really, said honeslty the word alone is enough.

I am sorry for lots of things in my life. I am sorry I drank too much Vodka when I was 15 and consequently was ill for 3 days after. I am sorry I didn’t revise for my exams (although somehow I managed to pass).
But most of all I am sorry for the words I left unspoken and the actions that affected other people.

The impact of my behaviour on myself has shaped me in to the person I have become. Without those mistakes I may not have the life I have. Yes it’s far from perfect but its better than some.

My Step Dad’s brother sadly committed suicide two years ago. He was seven years older than me and like a big brother when we were younger, however as we grew up, we grew apart.
I am sorry I did not make more effort to keep our bond. Instead I was too busy with family, work etc to stop and pick up the phone. I am sorry I never told him that no matter how busy I was, if he really needed someone to talk to, I would drop everything and listen.

Thinking back to the last time i saw him, i didn't have the chance to stop and chat. I drove past him and waved as i was in a rush to go somewhere. But i think If only in our last conservation I had told him,I'm here if you need me, instead he took the option to go away and never return.

I am also sorry for not having the courage to tell a good friend how I really felt. Thinking about it now, I don't actually know why? Maybe I was embarrassed, scared of rejection or maybe I just wasn't ready. Anyway, those words left unspoken and will always weigh heavy on my heart. Not for the reason you maybe thinking, but because I will always wonder what if?
Before you use sorry with an excuse, just stop for a moment and think.. 'Do I really mean it?'
Even now as I write this, I am sorry for my actions. For numerous reasons I do things to please other people, I am sorry I do not have the courage to stand up, take a stand and be who I really want to be.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Organised Chaos

As I sit here with my morning coffee, the rest of the house is still sleeping. My mind drifts off to a place of serenity.
A place where there are no uniforms to wash and iron. No huge shopping lists to get and no housework to complete.

Being a working Mum, it seems as though it's a never ending task to keep on top of my ever expanding list of jobs to do.
I often sit and think what my actual job description is....
I'm a cook, waitress, cleaner, teacher, nurse, referee, taxi driver, counsellor, events planner and cash machine. I work 24/7 with no sick days or holidays and the job is for the rest of my life!!

I'm not complaining, it's the best job in the world, however it is so consuming. In the midst of it all, you lose yourself, your identity. I'm just Mia & Lilia's mum.
Yet I look at my reflection and I know I could be so much more. I used to be so much more.

2013 will be the year of change for me. It may be the year I finally get back in the driving seat of my life. For the past few years it has felt as if I've just sat back and been a passenger, I jumped on and never really had a destination in mind. Hopefully that will all change.

Firstly, I'm going to get my house in order. I truly believe an organised home equals an organised mind. This will involve some strict rules, new routines and the most difficult bit, TIME.

But, I'm always up for a challenge. Hopefully by the end of the week things will start to happen.

I am owed some time at work that I need to take before Christmas, so I'm taking some half days next week. With the help of a good friend, I'm going to start with my spare room. The dumping room which it as become, will be de-cluttered, spring cleaned and prepared for guests over the festive period.

Each day I promise to organise a room, except the girls room,  I sorted theirs two weeks ago and it's made such a difference. Then hopefully Friday night I can celebrate with a glass or two of wine!

Wish me Luck xxx

Friday, 7 December 2012

Mistakes, I've made a few!

Do you every sit back and think "if I could go back and do it all again, would I do things differently?"

My answer to that would be NO. Not because I have the perfect life or the life I really want, but because all the mistakes, bends in the road have led me here.

I've become the person I am through living life and making a few mistakes along the way!

There is still so much I want to do with my life and plenty more mistakes to make. My only hope is that I'll enjoy the journey more. Yes the destination is important, but I want to know how I got there.

The friendships I've made over the years have been in abundance, yet when troubles are hard, as they often are, I turn to a select few.

Each friend, each unique quality I cherish and hopefully I can return the favour if they ever need me.

Today I realised I'd made a true friend without even realising. On paper there is a huge age gap and our lifestyles have very little in common. Yet some how in the chaos, which we call work, we bonded. Hopefully a friendship that is timeless and will last.

I am fully aware that sometimes people are only in your life for a specific purpose and time. Maybe it's to encourage you to start a new job, to support you through a difficult time or just to simply to changing your whole outlook on life completely.

They say everything happens for a reason, but only time will tell!

Thursday, 6 December 2012

They want to silence us?

I'm fairly new to twitter, but ive found it to be an excellent tool to network with like minded people.

Being a Police Officer's wife, its definitely an alternative lifestyle to friends who are not job. They dont seem to understand that it is a way of life and not just a job.
Unfortunately, at the moment the lives of some of my twitter friends are being silenced because of their views.

We all know there are things that every business/organisation does not want its customers to know, but i think if the general publi knew the limited resources our officers have to deal with every shift, they'd be shocked.

James Patrick a serving MET officer as beeing blogging and tweeting for a while. He is now currently under investigation and has been told he is not aloud to use SM????? What happend to freedom of speech? He has told no lies as far as i am aware.

I get so frustrated over the job and i dont not even work there. Our officers do a fantastic job!!!

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Bad day

What a day....!!!

Yesterday was one of those days when I should have stayed in bed. If it could go wrong, it did.
I woke up thinking the day in the office was going to be a relaxed one, boss was away on business, I had my list of jobs, no hassle. How wrong I was!
But I got through all the hassle, kept on smiling and made it home. Although it did make me think again. I need a job that offers me job satisfaction. The day in the officer reaffirmed I'm just there to make other people's lives easier without any gratitude!
Some of my colleagues wouldn't know what team work was if it smacked them in the face.
It's not about money (my wage is shockingly low anyway) but I want to go home everyday and feel like I've made a difference and achieved something. Big decisions need to be made in the new year.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Royal baby

So today was the day we all found out Wills & Kate are expecting.

I'm all for the Royal family and thought it was fantastic news.

Listening to the news reports it made me think of my own two pregnancies. Both very different although only 16 months apart.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

and.... Relax

You got to love a bargain!! Thanks to my lovely cousin and a well known discount website, I spent the afternoon in the Spa. This fantastic trip cost me £6... Yes £6!!

From swimming to floating the hydro pool, I thoroughly enjoyed the R&R. Eight of us made the trip to the local hotel, armed with our books swimming costume and commentary robes. Leaving our OH's to babysit we discussed the upcoming festive season and made plans to do it again soon.

I know I'm trying to pay our debts off sooner rather than later, but today is just what I needed. In fact I'd love to return by myself. Before I settled down, when I had my own flat I could go a full weekend without speaking to anyone. I often miss my own company... Time to potter around and do nothing much.

Well I'm back home and reality returns. Sunday night is spent ironing school uniforms, making packed lunches and 'bath night'.

Thinking back to when I was younger we had a bath on Sundays and Wednesday, the other days we had a strip wash. This tradition as now been past on to my children.

Right I'm off to chop my veg for the slow cooker.

Night xxx

Saturday, 1 December 2012

A Change is gonna come.

It's coming to the end of the year, a time to reflect on the months before.
This year I am seriously thinking of returning to education and changing career.
Why? some people may ask. I know I'm in full time employment and I should be grateful in the current economical climate, but I'm not satisfied.
We spend half our live working, I want to feel like I've actually achieved something, made a difference, not just pay the bills.
I think if I don't make a decision soon, the opportunity may pass.

Decisions, decisions???

Friday, 30 November 2012

Well, I've started

So it's the 1st day of Advent tomorrow? That means the festive season is almost upon us. Usually I'm very organised, unfortunately this year I'm struggling to get into the festive mood. However I've forced myself to makes start.

After four hours of designing and making I have several homemade jewellery gifts. I have made up the gifts the girls will take into school for their teachers.

This year I've gone with personalised mugs with a 'hot Chocolate' mix. Finished off with a candy cane and instructions.
I've taken the idea from the web, cheap cheerful and truly unique!!

OH is working until midnight, so I've got just over an hour to quickly tidy round before he is home. I know he'll probably moan because I've not got all my jobs done, however I do feel like tonight as been a productive one!

In work today I've been sat chatting with my colleague Holly. We've both decided 2013 will be the year of change for both of us. I will hopefully get my house in order and pay a sizeable chunk off my debt. Holly wants to change career, move house and get her health under control.

Until next time


Thursday, 29 November 2012

Poorly little one

I got a call from school today, informing me that my youngest is poorly. Thankfully the boss let me take one of the pool cars so I could get there ASAP. Using public transport would have taken me around an hour instead of the 15 minutes in the car.
We're home and I've made a quick pasta dish for the Daughter number 1's tea. Daughter number two had some medicine to reduce her temperature and is now fast asleep. She will probably snack later.

I know I should make a start on my jobs, such as load the washer, fold the clothes from the maiden and start a loaf in the machine, but I just don't have the motivation at the moment.

I often get days where I'd rather stay snuggled under the duvet instead of facing the world. Several years ago, before I met my OH, I did have a difficult time. Once you have suffered with depression it's always with you, it's how you manage it. Hopefully the balance is- you have more good days than bad.

I'm not staying today is a bad day, however it's going to be a difficult week for making the family budget stretch. With children's party's and dance teachers gifts to provide, I need to be imaginative. I'm still brainstorming at the minute, hopefully I will come up with something before tomorrow night.

Disappointing news came today that the OH is now working his long weekend. Every nine weeks he gets Saturday through to Tuesday off. Unfortunately training and meetings have been scheduled for three of his four days. Plans to do something as a family once again is put on hold.

Being a Police Officer is definitely a lifestyle choice rather than just a job!

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Ok, here goes

I've been reading online blogs for awhile now and thought I'd take the plunge and start one.

This new venture for me, will hopefully be the therapy and support I need to enable be to get through some difficult times ahead.

In the current economic climate, I understand lots of families are struggling. Thankfully I'm in a better position than some. However we still have our debts, continually live beyond our means and forget about the simple things in life. THIS MUST CHANGE!!!!!

Things never change overnight, new behaviours must be learnt and old habits die hard. But I am determined to make a difference.

This blog will be an account of my daily adventures, struggles and achievements. I promise to be open and honest without offence, post daily and use it as a living account of my journey to renewed happiness.

I can't promise that I won't waffle rubbish from time to time, but I'll give it a go anyway.

So for now I will say goodnight, I really must sleep.