Just a word

Sorry

1. feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc.: to be sorry to leave one's friends; to be sorry for a remark; to be sorry for someone in trouble.
2. regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic: a sorry situation; to come to a sorry end.
3. sorrowful, grieved, or sad: Was she sorry when her brother died?
4. associated with sorrow; suggestive of grief or suffering; melancholy; dismal.
5. wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful: a sorry horse.

 So much weight is put on the word ‘sorry’. People use it on a daily basis without really meaning it. ”Sorry I’m late” “Sorry I forgot to call” Yet, that one little word, when said with feeling and conviction can mean so much and change things dramatically. People tend to use the word 'sorry' with an excuse. When really, said honeslty the word alone is enough.

I am sorry for lots of things in my life. I am sorry I drank too much Vodka when I was 15 and consequently was ill for 3 days after. I am sorry I didn’t revise for my exams (although somehow I managed to pass).

But most of all I am sorry for the words I left unspoken and the actions that affected other people.

The impact of my behaviour on myself has shaped me in to the person I have become. Without those mistakes I may not have the life I have. Yes it’s far from perfect but its better than some.

My Step Dad’s brother sadly committed suicide two years ago. He was seven years older than me and like a big brother when we were younger, however as we grew up, we grew apart.

I am sorry I did not make more effort to keep our bond. Instead I was too busy with family, work etc to stop and pick up the phone. I am sorry I never told him that no matter how busy I was, if he really needed someone to talk to, I would drop everything and listen.

Thinking back to the last time i saw him, i didn't have the chance to stop and chat. I drove past him and waved as i was in a rush to go somewhere. But i think If only in our last conservation I had told him,I'm here if you need me, instead he took the option to go away and never return.

I am also sorry for not having the courage to tell a good friend how I really felt. Thinking about it now, I don't actually know why? Maybe I was embarrassed, scared of rejection or maybe I just wasn't ready. Anyway, those words left unspoken and will always weigh heavy on my heart. Not for the reason you maybe thinking, but because I will always wonder what if?

Before you use sorry with an excuse, just stop for a moment and think.. 'Do I really mean it?'

Even now as I write this, I am sorry for my actions. For numerous reasons I do things to please other people, I am sorry I do not have the courage to stand up, take a stand and be who I really want to be.

Nicola

xxx