Friday, 28 December 2012

Lets be honest

Lets be honest, are we truly happy with our lives?

Well here I go, I'm not. I am thankful for my life, but I'm not truly happy.

For the past few weeks I have been slightly off key. I've continued doing what I always do, wash, cook, clean etc but I'm not happy.

I want to be honest, I'm miserable with certain aspects of my life.

My job: I am grateful I have paid employment. Thousands of people would love to have my job.
But I hate it, the job is fine and my colleagues are great, apart from my boss. I'm his PA. Several months ago he made a pass at me. I brushed it off, told him I wasn't interested. But he still makes my skin crawl. The way he looks at me, the innuendos, I want out. I don't get any job satisfaction and I know my skills would be best suited elsewhere.

My marriage: yes I love my OH. But I'm unhappy. I feel unappreciated. I know he loves me, but it's not enough. We entered a partnership. Yet it seems like all the work has been delegated to me. I know he works hard but so do I.
I'm not asking for hearts and flowers, but support would be nice.

Being a parent: it's so consuming. My girls are wonderful. They're bright, smart, courteous, kind and absolutely beautiful. But motherhood is so..... tiring. I don't really get any support from family, so childcare is a big issue. I really miss not having any real time for me. Work used to be my escapism but since the issue with my boss, I don't want to go.

My health: mainly my weight and fitness level. Until I had my daughters I was always comfortable in my skin. I was far from skinny but I was fit and healthy. I piled the pounds on with both pregnancies and never really lost it. I know there are no real excuses. Yes I don't have the time or money to join a gym. But when I do have spare time, I want to read a book, listen to music or just sleep. I know this needs to change. I need to make time for exercise. My diet needs to be evaluated too. I don't eat enough or at regular times. When I do eat I tend to grab junk.

My home: having two children, a dog and two cats it's never going to be spotless, I accept that. However there are areas that need to be sorted. Our spare room needs to be de cluttered and painted. The girls need to swap beds from their junior beds to proper single beds. My kitchen needs painting. The tiles need to be laid in the bathroom. I need a shed in my garden... The list seems endless. There is very little cost involved (apart from the shed) its time. Time I just don't seem to have.

I feel like standing in a huge field and screaming. I want to shout, scream, cry. I know I have lots to be grateful for and there are thousands who are worse off. But this is my life and I'm unhappy. I'm trying to stay positive but everything feels so consuming. I really don't know where to start.

Today was supposed to be about getting back to normal. I had planned to take the decorations down, get the washing done, clean the kitchen. Instead I'm sat here in my PJ's with no motivation.

I suppose I achieved one thing, I was honest.

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